Benjy (I call her ‘Molleh’ all the time) has been there during my happiest and saddest moments. She is like my child. She has always been there listening to me. I still remember the day she came into my life – it was magical – and my life was never the same again – she is the most precious gift I have received. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her; she is the prettiest little thing I have ever seen. After she came into our life, everyday was a gift, she made a difference in our lives. She was there with me during my worse break-ups; consoling me when I was crying my heart out – when I feel my whole world tumbling down, she was right next to me sharing my grief and as if telling ‘I am here and I love you’; she would be so sad seeing me crying and immediately I’d feel better after pouring out to her; she listens and empathizes and as if she could feel every emotion in me; she is special in that way; she always brings out the best in me. I remember those days when I was slogging to finish my Masters thesis and I couldn’t come back home for a few months; I missed her the most; she inspired me to complete my thesis in time and I couldn’t wait to dedicate my thesis to her.
Nothing in my life could replace her. I thought she’d be there to share the happy moments during my wedding; like she has always been there for me. She will be, as she is very much alive in my heart. She will continue to live on in my memories of her. And for every accomplishments and journey that I am about to embark, she will always have a special place in my heart and she will be there with me. She will be a part of everything I do. Her spirit lives on in every joyous moments and occasions in our lives.
No amount of consolation can match what she has given me. No amount of joy can match what she has showered on us. No memory is as precious as what she left us with. It’s all coming back to me now; her antics (the way she jumps and spins round and round and round when she gets excited), the way she greets us with her sweet barks when we come back home, her 4 most favorite food (which is: corn, BBQ-ed meat - which is Bakwa, cheese, and fish), her friendly nature (she loves to greet personally each and every visitors who comes to the house), her excitement when we want to bring her for a walk, her impatience (she will bundle up the bathroom rug when she gets impatient if we don’t place water outside the bathroom – she only loves to drink water in that particular bathroom), the way she gazes into my eyes with her beautiful black round eyes, the way she seems to connect with me through her gazes, the way she rushes to drink her favorite milk every night, the way she carries the chicken feet from the backyard to the porch to enjoy her meal in privacy where the other dogs are not around, the way she eats her treats very slowly and steadily making the other dogs wait on her to see if she leaves anything behind for them, the way she squeezes herself in through the grill spacing of the gate to come inside the house, the part where she hates to bathe (she is the most difficult to give a bath to), how she loves her personal space away from the other dogs, and how she loves bigger size male dogs when she wants to mate :-) , and most of all the way she loves us unconditionally.
Today morning, I found my Benjy girl dead at our porch. The sight of her still body is still vivid on my mind. Right now, I am blaming myself for not being right next to her during her final moments. She always sleeps with me every night and I wake up with her every morning, thanking God that she is getting better from her cough. Yesterday was one night when I slept with my sister; and I can still picture Benjy looking at me and waiting for me to go to bed with her that night. She won’t sleep alone. It has become like a ritual for her to wait for me to go to bed and come to sleep with me in my room. Only yesterday was different. I am blaming myself for breaking the routine and for not being there for her during that moment. She might have died due to breathing difficulties. She has been having this cough for quite some time, but I thought she was getting better and prayed that the cough will stop. The night before she was acting strangely and was looking at us trying to say something. But she was fine; she drank milk as usual at night and she has been eating well. Oh God, why wasn’t I there for her. That thought is haunting me; could I have done something to save her? She must have been so afraid and must have wanted us to be near her. Even during her labor pain, she wanted us to be there near her all the time; she hates to be left alone. Oh God, she was alone that night :-( It was my fault. I should have been there for her.
When I was draping her body with a cloth, Dolly reacted very restlessly, wondering why I am covering Benjy with a cloth. We and the dogs (Dolly, Casper, and Prince) bid farewell to our dearest Benjy with a heavy heart. When I laid Benjy in the burial space, Dolly was so restless; it broke our heart even more seeing Dolly. She has been very close to Benjy, being very concerned each time Benjy coughs and has always been there for her. Dolly was sitting right next to the burial space when Benjy was being buried; she was watching every single act. After that, she sat near the burial looking very sadly and also puzzled at the same time on why we left Benjy inside there. Dolly started looking for Benjy all over the house, being so restless. It was a very sad moment.
Benjy left 3 of her offsprings: Dolly, Casper, and Prince; it is consoling to think that they are all part of her. This is my consolation, in writing this blog about my dearest girl; remembering her in every way I can.
I am now staring at the backyard where we buried Benjy. She will be here, as she has always been…
We will miss you, my dear Benjy and we love you very much, always…
Rest in peace, Molleh...
